Yesterday I called my apartment maintenance peeps because none of the lights in one bedroom were turning on.

I texted Simon about this bizarre problem and he reminded me that the day before was the day he decided we “needed” a dimmer switch in the living room and then “installed” or “wired” said dimmer switch… So maybe that was the problem?

It was the problem.

The maintenance guy asked me for a flashlight (because why on Earth would a maintenance guy carry his OWN flashlight?) so I set off to look for one.  Simon is some sort of weirdo that loves Maglites.  He must have at least 6 in different sizes and colors, but I couldn’t find any of them, so I offered the guy my Maglite.  Simon got it for me for my birthday.

I warned the maintenance man it was a little on the small size.

Here it is next to a banana for size comparison:

Hmm… Actually, that’s one of those small bananas from the Philippines so maybe a different size-comparison item would be better…

Like……….. a plum?

Orrrrrr….. my sunglasses?

Perhaps a paperclip offers you a more realistic understanding of just how small my Maglite is?

Or maybe I should just go with the classic size-comparison tool- the penny.  Why do I have a penny?  I do not know.

A 50 fil coin would be more appropriate, I suppose.

Although now I’m not being fair to the people who don’t live in the UAE and don’t know how big a 50 fil coin is.  A 1 dirham coin would make more sense because it’s almost the exact same size as a US quarter*!

Still struggling to picture the size of my tiny Maglite in your mind’s eye?

What if I put it next to a regular house key?

Or a compact tampon?  (BTW, round of applause for the inventors of compact tampons, I’m not embarrassed.)

A single Shout Wipe might also help you picture this flashlight that I won’t shut up about:

(Am I the only one that carries stuff like Shout Wipes in their purse but never actually uses them because you’re afraid to “waste” it on an unworthy stain?)

Surely comparing my tiny flashlight to a single tea bag will allow you to grasp just how small (and cute) it truly is!

It is.  It’s really freaking small.

I’m not saying the size of my flashlight caused the following, but the maintenance guy shocked himself.  Literally.  And probably also figuratively because of the literal shock.

No, seriously… It had nothing to do with the size of my flashlight.  HE DIDN’T TURN THE POWER OFF BEFORE TOUCHING LIVE WIRES WITH METAL TOOLS.

I was all “ARE YOU OK?!  Do you want me to flip the breaker switch??  I’m just going to go ahead and switch it off because I don’t want you to die in my apartment today.”

And all was fixed.

*One time I was back in the US and I went to the mall with my mom and sisters.  I was sharing my sister Natalie’s cell phone because I didn’t have a Stateside one during that trip.  Anyway, I decided to get my hair done in the mall and my mom told me that she’d tell Natalie (who was shopping in probably Hollister) to meet me at the hair salon and then we could call my mom to come pick us up from the mall…  Like when we were 14.  

Through some tragic miscommunication, my mom and sister both left the mall and when I was done getting my hair did, I realized I’d need to go use a grody pay phone so I could call my mom to come pick me up from the MALL.  I had zero American money with me and didn’t want to take cash out of the ATM and then go ask for some change in quarters for the pay phone so I tried using 1 dirham coins.  

It totally worked.

 I later hoped that the pay phone quarter-collector person was at least a little amused by the different currency.  I later later realized I should be disgruntled because 1 dirham is worth 27¢ and a quarter is obviously worth 25¢ so really I got ripped off.  But it’s ok because I made it back to my mom safely.  It was really touch-and-go there for a minute!  No cell phone?  No quarters?  I’m surprised I LIVED!  

Oh, and I just remembered that I was (for some reason) carrying my youngest sister’s umbrella… Likely because she got bored of carrying it.  It was one of those kiddie umbrellas that are small and pink and have Disney princesses on them and frills around the border.  And I distinctly remember that one of the wire thingies (that are integral to the structure of the umbrella) were broken so when you opened it it was all misshapen.

 Anyway, while I was waiting outside the food court for my mom to come pick me up, it started to rain and I had no choice but to use that umbrella because my hair was just dyed red and if newly-redded hair gets wet it will bleed all over everything, like your clothes and dignity.

So there I was, 23 or so years old, standing outside the mall in the rain waiting for my mom to come pick me up, holding a broken princess umbrella and watching 17-year-olds walk back to their cars.

I love that memory.  (I’m not being sarcastic.)